ON THE EVE OF CONSTRUCTION
Fictitious story created
by Eric Hurwitz.
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Caped Cod, ace superhero fish of Cape Cod, had just enjoyed a
relaxing day in the year 2424 at the most beautiful spot by the dunes
on Cape Cod.
It, unfortunately, was one of only two beautiful spots
left on Cape Cod as commercial and residential development took over
virtually every inch of this once beautiful vacation land. Sterile
condos, neighborhoods of cheap vacation rentals, generic hotels, strip
malls, tacky souvenir shops, outlet stores, mini golf courses, fried
dough stands, pancake houses, tattoo parlors and vape shops replaced
sandy beaches, precious dunes and once charming main streets. Worst of
all, developers created retail kiosks along the Bourne and Sagamore
Bridges to
add to the profits. People started to miss the good old days of
horrible traffic congestion on the Bridges as opposed to this current,
untenable one-stop bridge shopping scenario creating 12 hour delays to
the Cape. The State of Cape Cod (formerly part of Massachusetts) also
charged drivers a bridge fee of one thousand dollars per axle. On the
plus side, though, the unicycle industry benefited and people had
easier access to buying
really nice trinkets.
More trouble loomed, however, and Colonel Pictus immediately called
Caped Cod into the Mission Codtrol Office for a briefing.
"Seems like Red Herring, that evil commercial developer, has plans to
take over Cape Cod National Seashore by building a 40-mile New England
clam chowder stand with a pharmaceutical building attached at the end,"
said Col. Pictus.
"The plan is to create digestive problems for everyone, and then have
the necessary, profit-making medicines available to alleviate the
widespread
gastronomical distress. Everyone loves New England clam chowder, and
the plan is to attract every one of the millions of yearly visitors who
they know would prefer a highly caloric, virtually indigestible food
over long walks on the
beach. Red Herring has an ambitious money-making
scheme that has to be stopped now!"
Caped Cod gave Col. Pictus a respectful salute and scooted out of
Mission Codtrol to stop warped nemesis Red
Herring from overtaking Cape Cod.
Meanwhile, Red Herring presented specific plans to the
Under-the-Boardwalk of Trustees at his company Eel, Steelhead,
Yourfishstuff, Dollarfish and Rabinowitz -- also known as Eel Steel
Your Dollar and Rabinowitz.
"The government is closing the U.S. National Park Service so they can
transfer money into the newly-formed Department of Football Players
Taking a Knee," said Red Herring. "Endless funds are needed to research this sociological
oddity. With the U.S. National Park Service
closing, this is where we jump in and find a sea of financial
opportunity with the 40-mile New England clam chowder and
pharmaceutical building project taking over Cape Cod National Seashore.
I am also happy to say that in alignment with us being consistent
jerks,
we will also take away Caped Cod's beloved beautiful spot by the dunes
and install a giant outhouse. No one will be able to stop us. We
will be swimming in profits!
Hah-hah-hah-hah (evil laugh)!"
Little did Red Herring know that Under-the-Boardwalk Trustee Finley
Gill also worked for Col. Pictus at Mission Codtrol as an undercover
agent. After the meeting, Gill took his copy of the 19,999 pages of
nefarious business plans (one less page than health care regulations)
and
gave it to Caped Cod. The superhero fish read the plans, and after
severe eye strain updated his eyeglass prescription before trying to
save Cape Cod.
Caped Cod had a brilliant, straightforward idea: knock on Red Herring's
house door and ask for a cup of sugar.
Red Herring, not the brightest fish in the sea, agreed and let Caped
Cod in his house.
"Thanks for letting me in. It took forever to get here," said Caped
Cod. "That bridge traffic is awful."
"Bourne again?" asked Red Herring.
"No, I have always been a devout Baptist," said Caped Cod.
"What can I do for you?" asked Red Herring.
"Well, I don't want Cape Cod National Seashore to be taken over for
your own self-interests," said Caped Cod. "You don't understand what it
is like to grow up on Cape Cod. I love this place, the Cape Cod
National Seashore and the small town in which I grew up. That town gave
me the love I have for Cape Cod."
"Dennis?" asked Red Herring.
"No, my real name is Melvin but please don't tell anyone," said Caped
Cod.
"The answer is 'No,'" said Red Herring. "Development will start in a
week! I am bitter and angry that Mildred's Chowder House in Hyannis
closed many years ago and this is my way of making up for all those
lost years of good clam chowder. Now get out!"
Caped Cod left Red Herring's house, but not before egging it. Red
Herring then called Colonel Pictus at Mission Codtrol, reporting this
breach of diplomacy. Col. Pictus suspended Caped Cod a week. Not good,
given Red Herring's evil plans to build up Cape Cod National Seashore
being seven days away.
"But they were eggs high in Omega 3s," protested Caped Cod to Col.
Pictus.
"No, sorry," said Col. Pictus. "Your actions have disgraced us. It is
now on your records. I have given you a performance report below "C"
level for that."
"But, as you remember in fish history, Hoogie
Haliffeeoladiposabonisantetokounmpo, did exactly the same thing to a
nemeses in 1767, and it was the beginnings of a victory for the good
fish of our world."
"What was his name?" asked Col. Pictus, sensing a false history story.
"I don't know," said Caped Cod. "Never mind. I will go. Time to fight
that traffic on the bridge now."
"Sagamore?" asked Colonel Pictus.
"Yes, I suppose I am getting older -- is it really showing that
much?" asked Caped Cod. He then left Mission Codtrol, went to the mini
golf course for some anti-aging skin firming cream (the mini golf
courses also served as pharmacies, too), and then headed off into the
sunset.
This is where Caped Cod's girlfriend Nan Tucket came in to possibly
thwart Red Herring's evil plans. A selfless, attractive kissing
gourami dedicated to liberal causes and good sushi for everyone, Nan
Tucket offered a brilliant idea that
could possibly round up millions of fish -- except those ending up as
Sushi -- to help save Cape Cod from
succumbing to an overabundance of clam chowder and prescription meds.
She thought, "Why not have a concert to raise social awareness of this
horrible plan?"
Caped Cod loved the idea and immediately penned a brilliant protest
song called "On the Eve of Construction." Modeled after the seminal
1960s anti-war folk song, "On the Eve of Destruction," by Barry
McGuire. the lyrics
focused on the potential ruin of one of Cape Cod's most beloved
natural, scenic attractions. This song would represent the fight
against overdevelopment on Cape Cod.
Will Nan Tucket's idea be enough to save Cape Cod National Seashore
from development? Will she forgive Caped Cod for using up eggs that
were going towards the creation of his birthday cake? And will arch
conservative Col. Pictus allow the concert to happen, as he cannot
stand "whiney folk singers?" STAY TUNED FOR ANOTHER THRILLING
EPISODE!
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Explore
Massachusetts travel! Read
the Massachusetts
Town Greens book -- Discover New England's first travel
attractions:
town commons. Written by VisitingNewEngland editor Eric Hurwitz!
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